my friend was telling me today about his (or was it his wife’s) pet tortoise that got attacked by a bird and lost an eye and one of his legs…
his name is lucky!
but what does it mean to say that someone is lucky? i often with a person “good luck” as they prepare to tackle difficult conversation or leave on a long trip.
a few weeks ago i was sitting in a group of people who were speaking about relationships and marriage. we were all offering our thoughts on what we thought made marriage work - and not work. And as people spoke, I couldn’t help but think that elaine (the person I am married to) and I are just lucky.
it’s easy to pontifiate and offer sagely advice when things are going well for you. but circumstances can so easily change. people who get divorced often desperately try to work out what went wrong. And people who have been married for years are quick to identify the keys to a successful marriage.
but i’m beginning to think that some people are just lucky. they find each other and things kind of click. they have their moments, but most of the time being together is good and healthy and marriage is kind to them. i’m not so sure that elaine and I have made a go of our marriage so much because of us - we have been very fortunate that there is a sense of contentment and settledness that has descended on both of us. i don’t think we should take too much credit for that!
and that’s where this thought is headed. i’m thinking that people who are doing “well” - who have been married “successfully” for years and are still happy together, should be careful of assuming they did things “right” - as if they are solely responsible for their success. Just as people whose relationships fail also might be kind to themselves - acknowledging the many unknowns and unexpected things that contributed to the relationship ending.
i’m not saying i don’t acknowledge the important place of taking responsibility in a committed relationship. just that we should walk a little humbly when things are going well!
your thoughts?
Hi Barry.
Thanks for this. I have posted a response to your ideas on my blog (www.rockinthegrass.blogspot.com).
Pete
Comment by Pete Grassow — 15 August, 2009 @ 12:52 pm
Thanks Barry! No pearls of wisdom from this side… just that I think you have written some words that resonate deeply! Blessings to you and Elaine on your good fortune together!
Brian
Comment by Brian — 15 August, 2009 @ 2:58 pm
Hi Barry, thanks for those wise words, that is food for thought and I must agree. 49 and still single, my friends have in fact said I have just not been lucky enough to find the right guy. And its no good thinking the next guy who comes along will be better than the last, 10 to 1 he is also a great person but with his own problems/issues.
Comment by Denise Hopkins — 15 August, 2009 @ 4:51 pm
Ha,
10 years in and I’m convinced there’s no such thing as luck. It’s all grace perched on the shoulders of hard work.
Comment by Mark Penrith — 13 October, 2009 @ 5:01 pm
I’m with Mr Penrith on this. Still I can see where you’re coming from. I’ve only been married three years, but I’m convinced that if you have a marriage that’s ‘doing well’ the luck or the grace is in being the kind of people you are. The kind that can give and forgive and remember and cherish and speak up and shut up at the right moments. And the strength of character that it takes to be that way is not because of hard work so much as it’s because of gentle grace. Maybe that’s because of the influece of your fantasitic parents, or an early experience of a failed relationship that taught you something, or a fantastic book you read and reacted to, or the easygoing, giving personality you or your wife have been blessed with (or lucky to get). Grace might be luck to some people… but it’s not dumb luck.
Comment by Michael — 30 October, 2009 @ 5:10 pm
I also have to say that I can relate to barry’s words. I have been in a relationship for 6 years. Last year my family’s lives suffered intense tragedy and this affected my life and my relationship to a GREAT extent. And only in those darkest moments, when life puts your relationship on the rocks and tests it to the limit, do you relise how much love is NOT enough. And you become exceptionally grateful for the ‘luck’ (or grace) and the fact that you and your partner ‘click’ - COUPLED with hard work, committment and devotion - that carries your relationship through.
The hard work, committment and devotion is sometimes (sadly) just not enough. Without that inner ‘click’ or ‘luck’ or ‘grace’ - whatever you want to call it… my partner and I would not have gotten through, even with 100% hard work. I know many people who love each other deeply, but unfortunately do not have that thing that makes them ‘click’ and in fact get them through the really tough times.
If all you needed was hard work, then why cant we pick anyone off the street and agree to build a healthy, happy marriage just on hard work and committment? … because we’d be missing that ‘click’, that special ’spark’ that two people share that cannot be manufactured just on hard work. Its either there or its not…
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Comment by credit loans — 5 September, 2010 @ 11:59 pm
how lucky i was to meet you, how unlucky i was in loosing you
Comment by your el — 3 October, 2010 @ 11:32 pm